In my counseling practice, I often hear the question, ?How do I end a relationship without hurting someone?s feelings?? Whether it?s a romantic relationship or a friendship, ending it gracefully is generally a challenge.

The problem arises because so many people see it as a reflection of their worth when someone doesn?t want to be with them. ?If I was good enough, this person would want to be with me, so there must be something wrong with me.?

There is another way to see this. The way I see it is that for each of us there is a relatively small number of people with whom we feel a deep connection. Whether you want to explain this as due to being part of the same soul group in the spiritual realm, or to having similar energies, or to chemistry, the fact is that we don?t feel connected to most people. Just because I don?t feel connected with someone doesn?t mean there is anything wrong with them. Just because you don?t feel drawn to spend time with someone doesn?t mean there is anything wrong with that person, and just because someone doesn?t connect with you doesn?t mean there is anything wrong with you. It?s just the way things are, and it has nothing to do with there being anything wrong with anyone.

So if I say to someone, ?I don?t feel a strong connection between us,? I am simply stating a fact. I am not making a judgment about the person?s adequacy or worth.

All of us meet perfectly wonderful people with whom we just don?t feel a connection. The person might be very attractive, have similar interests to us, and even be on a similar growth path or spiritual path. Yet we just don?t connect. The spark that ignites friendship or romance just doesn?t exist. If we could all accept that someone not wanting to be with us has nothing to do with our worth, we would not get hurt when someone says no to a relationship.

I don?t pretend to understand all the factors that create connection between two people. All I know is that all of us have the experience of connection with another that occurs deeply and rapidly, as well as the experience of a lack of connection. Many people have had the experience of being fixed up with someone because a friend said, ?I just know you two will like each other. You are so similar,? only to discover a complete lack of connection. Katie, a client of mine, recently said to me, ?Everyone said Rick is perfect for me. We look good together, we have similar interests and backgrounds, we are the same religion, we are equal educationally, and he is a really sweet guy. I kept thinking that if I just gave it time, I would feel the connection. But it never happened. I felt so badly breaking up with him because there is nothing wrong with him, but the connection just isn?t there.?

Is it anyone?s fault that the chemistry or connection isn?t there? Of course not! There is nothing wrong with either Katie or Rick. The connection just isn?t there for Katie. She couldn?t make it be there. She ended up saying to Rick, ?You are a really terrific guy. I wish I felt the connection with you that I want to have with a partner, but I don?t. It?s not your fault ? it?s just not there.?

Whether or not Rick felt hurt by this is really up to him. Katie can?t take responsibility for how he feels. If Rick has the belief system that not everyone will feel connected with everyone, he will not feel hurt. If he has the belief system that if a woman doesn?t connect with him, there is something wrong with him, he will feel hurt. His hurt will come from his belief system, not from the fact that Katie broke up with him.

Ending a relationship gracefully means speaking our truth without blame or judgment and not taking responsibility for another?s feelings. Randi, another one of my clients, recently told me that she was able to tell the truth rather than give herself up to avoid hurting someone. A friend had introduced her to Barb, thinking that Randi and Barb had a lot in common and could be good friends. Randi got together with Barb and felt no connection. In fact, she felt the opposite. While Randi felt that Barb was a sweet person, she also felt Barb?s energy pulling on her in various ways. While some people might not mind needy energy, or even find it endearing, Randi didn?t like it at all. She was pleased with herself because she was able to tell Barb that she just didn?t feel a connection with her. Randi was able to let go of taking responsibility for Barb?s feelings if Barb felt hurt by this.

Is there always a way of breaking up or saying no to a relationship without someone getting hurt? No. But by gently speaking your truth, you can gracefully end a relationship, and if you accept that another?s feelings come from his or her belief system, then you won?t feel guilty if the other person feels hurt.

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Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

Two-year-old Owen goes to speech therapy twice a week. The therapist?s office is small and gloomy. There is one large window, but the shade is always down and very little light comes through.

Each time we go there, I can?t help but feel depressed by the atmosphere.

Last Tuesday the teacher wanted Owen to repeat words he knows for objects outside. They were sitting on the floor in the middle of the stagnant room. ?Say tree,? she said to him, and Owen mumbled, ?No.?

?Owen, say tree,? the therapist tried again. Owen just stared at her. I could tell the therapist was frustrated, but I could also see that Owen was far from being inspired. For a moment I wished I had stayed in the waiting room, where at least the florescent light keeps things bright and cheery.

The therapist tried a new approach: ?Owen, can you say bird??

Owen frowned.

This certainly isn?t going well, I thought. He talks more at home, for Heaven?s sake!

Then Owen got up from his spot on the floor. He toddled over to the closed window shade and pointed. ?Open,? he said.

?Owen, I need you to pay attention,? the therapist said from her place on the floor.

?Open,? he said again.

Finally the therapist joined him at the window and reluctantly opened the shade. Sunlight spilled into the room, casting a new joy and energy throughout that almost seemed tangible. Owen?s face brightened.

?Bird! Car! Tree!? he yelled excitedly. ?Grass! Road!?

Two days later, as we were driving into the parking lot for Owen?s session, he looked out the car window and pointed. ?Open,? he said. He smiled triumphantly, looking at the outside of the therapist?s window, which now had the shade drawn permanently up.

?Well, look at that,? I said. ?She?s kept the window open!?

And then suddenly it crossed my mind: With love and God?s help, it?s even possible for someone as young as two to plant a seed and watch it grow.

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You wake up in the morning, head to work, and find out your company is downsizing and you are being laid off. No big deal you think, you have experience, you’ve worked at the same company for years.

You think companies will WANT to hire you. Guess what, your wrong. It?s a new day and age, while you may potentially find work. It?s a lot more difficult than you may think to get a job these days. Most reputable companies are looking for qualified people who also have an education.

Through the companies eyes, they see an education as a sign of dedication to a career/field. Without an education, you are liable to get up and move to a different career in a heart beat as you don’t have years of education backing you up. A company knows that when you have an education you are in for the long haul.

People with an education are a commodity these days, if you don’t have one, many companies won’t even go beyond glancing at your resume. So what can you do, to prevent a situation like the one I’ve outlined above from happening? If you currently have a job, you can start working on attaining some form of education at one of the many accredited online schools.

They require much less time as no actual class time is required, but are treated equal to a real world education, and cost significantly less. I highly recommend looking into it. For more information, check out http

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Ryan Mckenzie

http://www.education-resource.org

Do you realize how good you have it? Yes, everyone has problems, but it could be worse than what it is now. Yes, everyone has a bad day or two, but it could be worse.

Life can throw some serious curveballs at us sometimes.

Be thankful for the problems you have now and for those bad days when they come. They are there for a reason - to help you learn to pull through and to help you realize what you do want in life.

A lot of us don’t know what we really want until we find out what we don’t want. Or we find ourselves in a situation that we truly don’t like.

By learning from these situations, finding out what we really want and focusing on what we really want, that’s how we get to where we want to be.

You have a job that you despise. You hate going to work everyday, you’re boss is non-supportive, etc, etc. But you need the money to pay your bills. You’re in a catch-22. Do you quit your job and be happy or do you keep your job and be miserable?

Well, I quit my job last month and I haven’t been happier since. Yes it’s a little harder now but my husband is supportive and understanding. It’s better to have a little less cash flow than to have a stressed out wife. Our home is more harmonious now and I have time to do the things that I was too stressed out to do before. New opportunities have opened up for me that wouldn’t have if I was still caught up in the corporate world dealing with my day to day stress.

Raising kids and taking care of a household is a full-time job in itself but adding a stressful job that doesn’t pay what you’re worth makes you reconsider your priorities.

True, I could have found a different job but I would have just put myself back into the same situation as before. I have a background in computers so getting a technical job would have been easy. But I didn’t want to go back to that world and the corporate world isn’t that much better. So I decided to do what was best for me and my family for the long run.

That job taught me a valuable lesson and I am thankful for it. I learned what I didn’t want in a job and I realized that I wasn’t going to be happy in a traditional work environment. I had to create a job that I liked which is what I’m doing now with Creation Journeys.

I’m not advising anyone to just up and quit their job. What I am saying is that if you’re in a situation that is not working stop and figure out what the problem is. For me, the list of problems with my old job was enormous, there was a serious management issue going on and the right people weren’t doing the right thing about it. For you, it might be something that can be fixed.

Try and see the part that you don’t like and find out what it is you do like. This applies to any situation, not just work. Take stock of the situation and look for a solution. There’s no point in complaining about something if you’re not going to try and fix it.

We get hit with a curveball sometimes. That happens because we need to get whacked upside the head every now and then. It’s just a way to point us back in the right direction. Yes, it does hurt sometimes but you can prevent more curveballs by paying attention to what it is you want and focusing on getting there. The more you focus, the fewer curveballs. And if you’re thankful for the curveballs you do get and really appreciate the lessons attached to them, they’ll hurt less over time.

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Selena Richardson, webmaster of http://www.creationjourneys.com is a believer that you can create your journey in life. Visit her site for more information or subscribe to her free newsletter, Creative Possibilities by sending a blank email to mailto:subscribe-cpossibilities@creationjourneys.com

selena@creationjourneys.com

When you think about what you find attractive in a person, what comes to mind? Tall, dark and handsome? Blonde and curvaceous?

How about happy and fulfilled with an exciting life?

I don’t know about you, but I would pick the happy, exciting life every time.

While physical chemistry is important, I know quite a number of people who would not win a beauty pageant, but are so filled with life and energy that they draw the attention of everyone when they enter a room. They may not be the easiest on the eye, but they certainly are the ones I want to talk to and spend time with.

***Looking Ahead***

As we get ready for the search for our future partners, an easy aspect to overlook is our attitude towards our own lives. Each time I have found myself single, adjusting myself to the possible reality that I might be that way the rest of my life has seemed imperative. A part of that adjustment has always included building a happy and interesting life for myself.

How you feel about your life now as a single person and the possibility that you might stay single, affects what you portray to others. If you hate your life, think that being married or partnered is the only valued way to live, and look towards a future as a single as depressing, sad, or bleak, believe me, that shows. And it is very unattractive.

As well, that sort of mind set leads to desperation and neediness, which will really cloud your judgment when it comes to sorting through mate possibilities. How will you be able to freely decide if someone is right for you if you feel impelled to launch yourself towards the first person who shows a bit of interest?

Staying centered and clear-headed is going to be vital to your future, and feeling miserable about your current life and prospects will really cloud your judgment.

***Three Action Steps***

1. Start thinking about improving your life as a single and your attitude towards it right now. What are you proud of, and what do you need to improve upon, to feel better about your life and the future?

2. If you knew, right now, that you were going to spend the rest of your life as a single, what would you need to do so that you would have as interesting and vital a life by yourself as you imagine life with a partner would be?

3. While important to place priority on finding a mate, how can you move it to the side, and make your own life and its vitalness central?

Though sounding contradictory, happiness with your life as it is now, and at the same time, making yourself ready to change it by finding a mate, actually provides needed balance. Your satisfaction with what you have will be exciting and attractive to others. You will not come across as needy, a real turn off.

***Want or Need?***

Want and need are two very different things. *Want* implies desire, but something that you could do without. *Need* has a desperate edge. Because you are looking, you will be signaling that you *want* a relationship and are willing to make space and change for that in your already full life. But you don’t *need* another to make yourself complete.

One of the best ingredients for a successful relationship are two people who know how to satisfy their own needs. They are happy by themselves and not *needing* a relationship.

Wanting, yes.

Needing, no.

Kathryn Lord © 2004 All Rights Reserved

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Kathryn Lord, Romance Coach / Helping Singles Find A Sweetheart!

eBk: “Find A Sweetheart Soon! Your Love Trip Planner for Women”

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Subscribe at http://find-a-sweetheart.com/newsletter.html

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